An epiphany about me
10:54 a.m, Thursday, 23rd April, 2020.
I just had an epiphany about myself. And that epiphany is this: I have spent my whole life adjusting.
Yes, I know we all adjust. In fact survival depends on our ability to adjust. To colleagues, to neighbours, to relatives and even friends. But the problem with my adjusting is that it was not for survival. It was simply to be nice. Which is not some virtue. The instinct to be nice to everyone arguably stems from a need to be liked by everyone or in my case, worse - a fear of being disliked by anyone. Sure, it's one of the lesser harmful of personality problems but it is a problem nonetheless. Why? Because adjusting became so second nature to me that I had ceased to recognize that I was adjusting. When the discomfort of the adjusting became hard to ignore, I couldn't understand what it was that was bothering me. At this point I start acting up - avoiding people, breaking up, ghosting friends etc leaving people bewildered - because they don't know what happened and because they love me. Not because I am a lovable but because I adjust to them. And they had no idea that I had been adjusting. How would they know? I hardly knew it myself. I have had myself and them fooled that I am just like them and that we all share the same thoughts, tastes, interests, humour etc.
I'd say every person is part adjustee and part adjuster (makes others adjust). There's a healthy balance. But some people are full adjustees and and some are full adjusters. My epiphany is that I have been the former all my life. Full adjusters and full adjustees start out being extremely compatible but if the adjustee is unaware that he/she is adjusting, when he/she crumbles under all that adjustment and raises an alarm, the adjuster is utterly ill-equipped to handle it.
I think this adjustee syndrome is the cause of all the wrong relationship choices I have made in life. If I liked one aspect in someone and they like me back, I'd simply adjust myself to all the other aspects of him - often at the cost of aspects of me. This essentially amounts to me undervaluing myself. That makes me give others permission to undervalue me. So, my relationships either ended with me finally feeling the discomfort of all that adjusting or with him undervaluing me to the point of rejecting me (assuming he did have some noble intentions to begin with, that is)
The very last relationship I had was an exception. I mean, keeping aside the fact that we ended up like a deaf and a blind person trying to understand each other. By sheer chance and totally unrelated to the issues we faced, this relationship put me in contact with, for the very first time in my life, who I really am. I suddenly understood crystal clear who the kind of people are with whom I feel perfectly at home and not at all like I am adjusting.
Going forward, I'm less confused about what it is that I want out of the people that I meet. I know exactly the kind of persons I am not ok with - be it to work with, for friendships or for dating. Going forward, I will save us all some precious time and nip it in the bud. Still, one can't always escape situations that warrant some adjusting. Like say, family gatherings. For that, I am working on at least being able to register to all involved that I am adjusting. Give them a chance to value me as much as I am valuing them to be adjusting to them. That's how I think one achieves that healthy balance. This gives me some clarity on what I want out of life!
Wisdom lies in being yourself. I just didn't know who I was. Now that I have it narrowed down, I can start working on being me, the actual me - fiercely. Looking forward to being the avoided one for a change. And to the handful in this world who I get along with naturally..well, hello there! :)
I just had an epiphany about myself. And that epiphany is this: I have spent my whole life adjusting.
Yes, I know we all adjust. In fact survival depends on our ability to adjust. To colleagues, to neighbours, to relatives and even friends. But the problem with my adjusting is that it was not for survival. It was simply to be nice. Which is not some virtue. The instinct to be nice to everyone arguably stems from a need to be liked by everyone or in my case, worse - a fear of being disliked by anyone. Sure, it's one of the lesser harmful of personality problems but it is a problem nonetheless. Why? Because adjusting became so second nature to me that I had ceased to recognize that I was adjusting. When the discomfort of the adjusting became hard to ignore, I couldn't understand what it was that was bothering me. At this point I start acting up - avoiding people, breaking up, ghosting friends etc leaving people bewildered - because they don't know what happened and because they love me. Not because I am a lovable but because I adjust to them. And they had no idea that I had been adjusting. How would they know? I hardly knew it myself. I have had myself and them fooled that I am just like them and that we all share the same thoughts, tastes, interests, humour etc.
I'd say every person is part adjustee and part adjuster (makes others adjust). There's a healthy balance. But some people are full adjustees and and some are full adjusters. My epiphany is that I have been the former all my life. Full adjusters and full adjustees start out being extremely compatible but if the adjustee is unaware that he/she is adjusting, when he/she crumbles under all that adjustment and raises an alarm, the adjuster is utterly ill-equipped to handle it.
I think this adjustee syndrome is the cause of all the wrong relationship choices I have made in life. If I liked one aspect in someone and they like me back, I'd simply adjust myself to all the other aspects of him - often at the cost of aspects of me. This essentially amounts to me undervaluing myself. That makes me give others permission to undervalue me. So, my relationships either ended with me finally feeling the discomfort of all that adjusting or with him undervaluing me to the point of rejecting me (assuming he did have some noble intentions to begin with, that is)
The very last relationship I had was an exception. I mean, keeping aside the fact that we ended up like a deaf and a blind person trying to understand each other. By sheer chance and totally unrelated to the issues we faced, this relationship put me in contact with, for the very first time in my life, who I really am. I suddenly understood crystal clear who the kind of people are with whom I feel perfectly at home and not at all like I am adjusting.
Going forward, I'm less confused about what it is that I want out of the people that I meet. I know exactly the kind of persons I am not ok with - be it to work with, for friendships or for dating. Going forward, I will save us all some precious time and nip it in the bud. Still, one can't always escape situations that warrant some adjusting. Like say, family gatherings. For that, I am working on at least being able to register to all involved that I am adjusting. Give them a chance to value me as much as I am valuing them to be adjusting to them. That's how I think one achieves that healthy balance. This gives me some clarity on what I want out of life!
Wisdom lies in being yourself. I just didn't know who I was. Now that I have it narrowed down, I can start working on being me, the actual me - fiercely. Looking forward to being the avoided one for a change. And to the handful in this world who I get along with naturally..well, hello there! :)
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