Why I quit dating apps

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I have been divorced since 2014. Why love continues to elude me is a different topic to explore but for now, I will focus on why I quit dating apps. I of course subscribe to the perhaps old-fashioned notion that the purpose of dating is to find love. 

The reason I am writing this post is that the few success stories of people finding everlasting love are advertised so much that it makes all the rest of us flock to these apps as though the fact is not that the stories of scams, failures, disappointments, mental health breakdown far outweigh the success stories. 

So, I think the rest of us need to voice our views just to try and bring a bit of a balance. 

Let me begin with my credentials to speak on the subject. I have interacted with or dated to some degree over 11 people I met on dating apps between 2018 - 2021. Not a big data set, but not too tiny either. Placing below, what I learnt. 

The first one is applicable to people who are 40 and over today and were 36 and over, four years ago. 99 percent of people over 36 and single are divorced and repeated experience tells me, this reflects on a personality disorder in 90% of the cases. I am not claiming to be in the remaining 10% either. I am certain I have issues that need resolving too and I am working on them. This brings me to the second, more important point. and that is this: everyone is crazy in their own way. What we need is to find the ones we are ok to be crazy with. And this being ok depends heavily on the base level attraction two people feel for each other in person. And that, my friends is why, at 40, after seeing both sides, I have become a hard-core fan of meeting people organically. (Yes, I'm going OG). Not by actively keeping your eyes peeled for someone, but by just going about life, doing what you love/need to and relying on bumping into someone you connect with at a base level. The remaining factors of availability, personality, ideologies compatibility and dreams aligning etc are important and could be deal breakers but the base attraction is the starting point. On dating apps, we find that out in the end, which is what is flawed about the system, in my view. 

The problem with dating apps is that we have no choice but to select without this basic sense. This 6th sense simply can not function digitally. No matter how much we chat, exchange music and jokes and get along, nothing can match what an in-person meeting can tell you about your base attraction which is very important to give you that added motivation to adjust to and commit to a relationship. Relationships are ALWAYS hard work and full of compromises for both parties. 

Lastly, I want to stress on the fact that the need to have a companion/ a relationship is overrated. It is good if you have it. But it is terrible if you mope over not having it. Instead, I recommend enjoy 'alone' if you are alone and when and if it happens enjoy a good organic 'base attraction' rich date in person. The rest of the time let it be. Love is nice. But you can not force-fit it into your life. Dating apps aim to do that. Yes, there is that 1% chance that you find love on dating apps. 

If you are under 35, the scenario must be complete different. Come to think of it the married couples I know who met on dating apps were both below 30yrs of age. So, there!

Here's a note to the people who are single and over 36: its alright. relax about it. People who are in relationships crave alone as much as an alone person craves relationship. Let's all enjoy the grass on our side. :)



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