Bespectacled confessions
Glasses have been a part of my face since I was 7. My mom meticulously wrote the multiplication tables from 1 to 10 on a big chart paper in bold colored sketch pens and pinned it up on the wall to help me memorize them. One time when she was making me read it from a bit of a distance, she discovered her sight was better than mine! That's how I got glasses at the age of 7.
At that age, it is natural for anything that a kid owns to be subjected to accidents. My glasses got dropped, sat on and randomly picked up by my baby brother to experiment with - what would happen if he ..say..scraped it on the concrete floor of our back porch? Also, glasses were fragile back then. The lens were made of glass. I remember this because this one time, when I was the same age, while frolicking about, I came too close to the corner of the bed. The lens shattered while I was still wearing them. And I started to bleed on my face. My mother who witnessed this - her heart stopped for a moment because she didn't know if I had hurt my eye - yelled to make me stop my reflex to rub it. We rushed to the hospital. Luckily it turned out to be a small wound close to my eyebrow. My eyes were saved. I think it was post this, that I stopped wearing glasses. I could manage without it. Only couldn't read from as far as others could but that could be solved by moving closer to the subject.
Then when I was 11, there was a drive in my school wherein an eye check up was conducted on all the students. I was caught again, with having imperfect vision. And with that the glasses were back. This time for good. A few years later, I got photo chromatic lenses - they turn dark in the sun. It helps avoid headaches, the doctor had said. People are not allowed sun shades on school playgrounds - so I had to explain to people who asked that mine were a need, not a fashion statement. (Didn't hurt that it also looked fashionable)
By that time, my glasses had pretty much become an inseparable part of my identity. All the way till I participated in a beauty pageant at 18. I won. And then I was pressured for the first time in my life with the necessity to not wear glasses. Well, because now I had to look glamorous all the time. For the sake of my friends and professors who pointed me out to their friends and said - that is Miss Chennai, she's my friend/student. And glasses as it turns out are the enemy of glamour. When I was 18, we lived in a totally different time. I didn't see anything objectionable in this entitled demand of me from just about anyone as to how I should look. I thought it was my job to be worthy of showing off. I asked my parents to get me contact lenses. They obliged.
From the fear of shattered glass lens damaging my eye to learning to insert contact lenses into my eye - what a long way we had come!
So now came the travails of wearing lenses everyday. Getting them on took more time than plaiting by waist length hair. And the silly accidents continued. Like this one time, in an auto rickshaw, my eye itched. I rubbed it in auto pilot making one lens pop right out of my eye and off into the wind. Lenses are not cheap. Just saying. And disposable lenses were yet to be invented.
Gradually over the years, I got back to wearing glasses regularly - so much easier. But I was strictly told off by friends and family if I wore glasses to parties or to wedding functions. Glasses don't go with the decked up look. I didn't complain. Just felt good that it was laced with compliments about my looks. Vanity, you devil!
Over time yet again, it became not so criminal to wear glasses to parties. It helped that they started making frames with interesting designs and shapes. So, now we took a lot longer to choose a frame. And I would have the glasses on pretty much all the time.
Since 2011 I have acted in several plays and short films and if the character I am playing didn't have glasses then just for the final show or shoot I would wear my contacts. the rest of the time I was comfortable in my glasses as was I with my real age. But the deeper I went in, into the entertainment industry the more the advice poured in to NEVER be seen with my glasses, to never tell my actual age and to never be seen with under eye discoloration. I was once even told to get my teeth aligned!
But that's not the disturbing bit. The real horror is that I succumbed to it. The teeth aligning would cost 1 lakh INR but fortunately the constant validation about my appearance from people who had crushes on me (bless them!) made me decide against it. However, these last 2 years - I indeed never wore my glasses in public. I started to completely avoid any conversations that could point to my actual age - which was now in the 30s. I silently allowed people to believe that I am a decade younger. I just didn't correct anyone. Gradually, I started to outright lie about my age. But, in one way, I was actually being helpful. In casting, the purpose of age is just to gauge how you look. It can be very troublesome if you don't look the age you are. And those of you who know me and know my real age would know, that I am serious trouble. I have witnessed people being mind-boggled in my earlier days of auditions when I naturally mentioned my actual age.
For the audition of the musical "the sound of music", over the phone based on my age, they asked me to prepare for one of the older nuns and the song "how do you solve a problem like maria". When I got there for the audition, they assumed I was auditioning for Maria because they thought I was younger. But reason I got rejected had nothing to do with my age or looks. It had to do with my singing. Never mind that.
Over the phone - I've been subjected to brutal ageism. One of them went like this..roughly,
(looking at photographs) "you have a good look..surely we will try to cast you as lead...your age is what madam?.....what?! you should be dying now..sorry can't make you actress". well, not exactly that..but pretty much that. I told this guy that I was not seeking young-damsel-in-distress roles alone - and that he could cast me in whatever he deemed fit. But by now his brain was going through internal mayhem, thinking, "She looks too young to fit the older character. Her age is too old for the young character". Mind exploding dilemma.
So, only to help the fragile sexist, ageist and generally confused casting process, I started to lie. I started to say the age that I looked. No more dilemma. Business as usual. I know this is not so unusual - it is a done thing to lie about one's age in the entertainment industry. Both men and women actors lie. Casting people are often in on it. It's a cesspool of in-authenticity that everyone just accepts as part of the "struggle" to become a professional actor.
To each his/her own. Different strokes for different folks.
All I know is that I want to wear my glasses. Without being made to feel guilty about destroying my otherwise earth shattering good looks. That's how people make it seem. Just trying to be funny, not immodest. But, my glasses are my face. I also, don't want to conceal my under eye dark rings in every last picture taken of me. That's everyone's face more or less - so why the masquerade? Again, to each his/her own. I most definitely don't want to get my teeth realigned or keep my eyelashes mascaraed at ALL times.
For me simple is simple and not the name of another "look" to achieve! It's exhausting, don't you think? Well, hats off to you if you don't think so. That's your vibe. I respect it. We all got to respect each others vibes and embrace our own. And let our vibe choose our tribe. Peace.
At that age, it is natural for anything that a kid owns to be subjected to accidents. My glasses got dropped, sat on and randomly picked up by my baby brother to experiment with - what would happen if he ..say..scraped it on the concrete floor of our back porch? Also, glasses were fragile back then. The lens were made of glass. I remember this because this one time, when I was the same age, while frolicking about, I came too close to the corner of the bed. The lens shattered while I was still wearing them. And I started to bleed on my face. My mother who witnessed this - her heart stopped for a moment because she didn't know if I had hurt my eye - yelled to make me stop my reflex to rub it. We rushed to the hospital. Luckily it turned out to be a small wound close to my eyebrow. My eyes were saved. I think it was post this, that I stopped wearing glasses. I could manage without it. Only couldn't read from as far as others could but that could be solved by moving closer to the subject.
Then when I was 11, there was a drive in my school wherein an eye check up was conducted on all the students. I was caught again, with having imperfect vision. And with that the glasses were back. This time for good. A few years later, I got photo chromatic lenses - they turn dark in the sun. It helps avoid headaches, the doctor had said. People are not allowed sun shades on school playgrounds - so I had to explain to people who asked that mine were a need, not a fashion statement. (Didn't hurt that it also looked fashionable)
By that time, my glasses had pretty much become an inseparable part of my identity. All the way till I participated in a beauty pageant at 18. I won. And then I was pressured for the first time in my life with the necessity to not wear glasses. Well, because now I had to look glamorous all the time. For the sake of my friends and professors who pointed me out to their friends and said - that is Miss Chennai, she's my friend/student. And glasses as it turns out are the enemy of glamour. When I was 18, we lived in a totally different time. I didn't see anything objectionable in this entitled demand of me from just about anyone as to how I should look. I thought it was my job to be worthy of showing off. I asked my parents to get me contact lenses. They obliged.
From the fear of shattered glass lens damaging my eye to learning to insert contact lenses into my eye - what a long way we had come!
So now came the travails of wearing lenses everyday. Getting them on took more time than plaiting by waist length hair. And the silly accidents continued. Like this one time, in an auto rickshaw, my eye itched. I rubbed it in auto pilot making one lens pop right out of my eye and off into the wind. Lenses are not cheap. Just saying. And disposable lenses were yet to be invented.
Gradually over the years, I got back to wearing glasses regularly - so much easier. But I was strictly told off by friends and family if I wore glasses to parties or to wedding functions. Glasses don't go with the decked up look. I didn't complain. Just felt good that it was laced with compliments about my looks. Vanity, you devil!
Over time yet again, it became not so criminal to wear glasses to parties. It helped that they started making frames with interesting designs and shapes. So, now we took a lot longer to choose a frame. And I would have the glasses on pretty much all the time.
Since 2011 I have acted in several plays and short films and if the character I am playing didn't have glasses then just for the final show or shoot I would wear my contacts. the rest of the time I was comfortable in my glasses as was I with my real age. But the deeper I went in, into the entertainment industry the more the advice poured in to NEVER be seen with my glasses, to never tell my actual age and to never be seen with under eye discoloration. I was once even told to get my teeth aligned!
But that's not the disturbing bit. The real horror is that I succumbed to it. The teeth aligning would cost 1 lakh INR but fortunately the constant validation about my appearance from people who had crushes on me (bless them!) made me decide against it. However, these last 2 years - I indeed never wore my glasses in public. I started to completely avoid any conversations that could point to my actual age - which was now in the 30s. I silently allowed people to believe that I am a decade younger. I just didn't correct anyone. Gradually, I started to outright lie about my age. But, in one way, I was actually being helpful. In casting, the purpose of age is just to gauge how you look. It can be very troublesome if you don't look the age you are. And those of you who know me and know my real age would know, that I am serious trouble. I have witnessed people being mind-boggled in my earlier days of auditions when I naturally mentioned my actual age.
For the audition of the musical "the sound of music", over the phone based on my age, they asked me to prepare for one of the older nuns and the song "how do you solve a problem like maria". When I got there for the audition, they assumed I was auditioning for Maria because they thought I was younger. But reason I got rejected had nothing to do with my age or looks. It had to do with my singing. Never mind that.
Over the phone - I've been subjected to brutal ageism. One of them went like this..roughly,
(looking at photographs) "you have a good look..surely we will try to cast you as lead...your age is what madam?.....what?! you should be dying now..sorry can't make you actress". well, not exactly that..but pretty much that. I told this guy that I was not seeking young-damsel-in-distress roles alone - and that he could cast me in whatever he deemed fit. But by now his brain was going through internal mayhem, thinking, "She looks too young to fit the older character. Her age is too old for the young character". Mind exploding dilemma.
So, only to help the fragile sexist, ageist and generally confused casting process, I started to lie. I started to say the age that I looked. No more dilemma. Business as usual. I know this is not so unusual - it is a done thing to lie about one's age in the entertainment industry. Both men and women actors lie. Casting people are often in on it. It's a cesspool of in-authenticity that everyone just accepts as part of the "struggle" to become a professional actor.
To each his/her own. Different strokes for different folks.
All I know is that I want to wear my glasses. Without being made to feel guilty about destroying my otherwise earth shattering good looks. That's how people make it seem. Just trying to be funny, not immodest. But, my glasses are my face. I also, don't want to conceal my under eye dark rings in every last picture taken of me. That's everyone's face more or less - so why the masquerade? Again, to each his/her own. I most definitely don't want to get my teeth realigned or keep my eyelashes mascaraed at ALL times.
For me simple is simple and not the name of another "look" to achieve! It's exhausting, don't you think? Well, hats off to you if you don't think so. That's your vibe. I respect it. We all got to respect each others vibes and embrace our own. And let our vibe choose our tribe. Peace.
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